Sibling Strife!

I write when I've had heartache in my life. Writing has always been an outlet for me, whether it's a song, or just writing in my journal. But it's usually been when I'm down and I'd like to start writing some happy thoughts, that's the reason for writing my book. Although there has been so much dysfunction in my life, there has also been some happiness, and I want to write it down in hopes of helping others who may have gone through similar experiences.

My brother recently told me that he didn't care about me. Well, at least it's finally out in the open. Harsh, but honest. I know I need to cut all ties with him and stop wasting time trying to make a relationship work that was never healthy or loving. But, fool that I am, I'm still hurt by it. When will I learn? Sometimes I think that I've been so conditioned by the dysfunctional relationships in my life that I have a hard time recognizing a healthy one. Wow, how sad is that!

That being said, I am finally able to completely put my trust in God and see where He will lead me. My faith in Him, plus the writing of my book, will allow me to heal. Praise God!

--le

Shaken!!

After my last entry, that I ended up deleting because of a comment I had made that should have been left unsaid, I thought that maybe I wouldn't blog anymore, but due to a few incidents that happened this week, I feel the need and desire to write them down in this blog. Plus, I didn't think anyone other than my daughter would be reading this, so hadn't really worried about what I was writing. Now I know better.

I follow my daughter's blog, and just read her entry about our meeting with my son, her brother. I'd like to correct a comment she made; she said she was grateful that he had decided to contact us. Actually what happened was this; I looked for him through a post-adoption registry and when we found him he agreed to start communication with me. We started emailing, I then put him in touch with his sisters and when he came out here for vacation he decided it was time to set up the meeting with us. During our earlier communications he confessed that had I not looked for him, he probably would never have looked for us, because he had a good life. He'd been curious about me and wondered if he had any siblings but never thought to take it any further than that. But now that I found him, he is very glad that I made the effort. This truly is such a miracle and I thought my family would be happy for me, but my family never does what I expect them to do. One of my brother's sent him a birthday wish via facebook, even though I'd asked him to not contact Cam. When does my family ever listen to me. However, the visit with Cam was "amazing" and I thank God every day that He brought him back to me.

Well, Hello Again!

I dropped out of sight for awhile. It seemed so pointless to put my thoughts in this blog, but today for some reason I had a desire to read my daughter's blog and it inspired me to jot down some of my thoughts. First and foremost, I'm now 6 days away from meeting my son for the 1st time. That sounds crazy, I know, but I gave him up for adoption when I was 17 and have now found him. On July 6th we will come face to face for our very first meeting and I am so excited. My girls will also drop by and for the first time in my life I will have all of my 3 children in the room with me. What an event that will be! Will blog more after that visit.
--le

Just my blog and I!

I started this blog because it is so much easier to type than it is to write long hand. I have been writing in my journal for years but I'm tired of writing, and I love to type, so this is sooo much easier. But I think I would be horrified if I found out that someone was actually following this blog of mine. I think I'm fairly safe though. I don't even have any one that comes to visit me. I'm pretty much alone out here. My closest friends all live far away. My dearest friend lives in Ontario and the only way that I can communicate with her is by phone or email and so I get to type my private thoughts in this blog. Who would care to actually follow this drivel? Maybe one of my daughters, but I doubt that she would take the time. Both of my girls are so busy with their lives that they don't have the time. Not that I blame them; I was the same at their age, but I do miss them. It would be nice to be remembered once in awhile. Wow, that sounds self-pitying, doesn't it. I indulge every once in awhile. But only to you, my blog! I've made so many mistakes and I've been criticized for every one of them; by my family, by my in-laws and the occasional self-serving church member. But who really cares! What does it matter at this point! I'm pretty much a hermit now. I very seldom go out, except to do my volunteer work at the senior center, and that helps to make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Other than that, I content myself with my writings - songs, stories about my life, and I'm still working on that book. One day I will complete it. Now I just try to fight the sadness and keep my head above water.
-le

A Mother's Heartache!

It is so hard to be a mother sometimes, even when our children are all grown up. In fact, sometimes it's harder when they're all grown up. You have to let them go, to make their own mistakes and choices, but when you see them walking down a wrong path, it is so hard to keep quiet. I want to give advice, but when it's ignored, it breaks my heart. Especially when I see that it will break my child; in fact, it very well might make that child lose everything. Then what do I do? All I can do is turn it over to God and trust that He will protect said child. I know I've done all I can to teach my children the ways of the Lord, and now they have to walk their own path. And for the most part they are doing well; they are smart, independent children, working towards their goals. But, then I see things that don't quite sit right with me, and it makes me worry. Or one of them tells me things that doesn't quite jive with what I've been told before. Was it an outright lie? - I don't know, I can't prove it, but I am suspicious, and it makes everything from then on become suspect. That is not a comfortable feeling. I want to trust my child. Not knowing is not a place I want to be. However, all I can do is trust in what I'm being told, and until I find out otherwise, that is what I must do. My only other recourse is to put it before the Lord. He says to put our anxieties before Him and so that is what I will do. All I have at this point is a feeling, and that's not enough to warrant a confrontation. The Lord also says to put our trust in Him so that is what I will do. He will always be there for us and I know that He protects and guides me and my children. He is my Salvation and Strength. He will get me through.
-le

Killed with a smile!

Have you ever known someone who is always so friendly and constantly talks of love and then "wham", out of nowhere, they slam you with hateful words and end the relationship. That has happened to me several times in my life, and it just happened again. You'd think I'd learn, but "No"! I grew up a preacher's daughter and so have been blessed with an unquestionable trusting nature; it gets me every time. It has left me emotionally scarred though. Even though I grew up in a Christian home, I was the victim of emotional abuse, by my brothers. I left home at an early age, and thought I got away from it. However, I was very naive, and was often victimized by stronger individuals. I was overpowered because I was so emotionally stunted. But I tried to grow up, and I succeeded, to a certain extent. I continued to mature, or so I thought, and I persevered. And for a time I did get stronger. Then I got married and my husband was a very strong willed person. At first we were happy; again, so I thought. But then things started to fall apart, mainly because I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him, and he started to abuse me emotionally. Oh, it was only in bits and pieces at first; not enough for any one to notice. Well, actually no one ever noticed. And if I tried to tell anyone, no one believed me because he was a totally different person to the outside world. He was the kindest, sweetest person you ever wanted to meet. He was helpful to everyone else, but me. He would give the shirt off his back to everyone else, but me. As a result, I was not able to be the kind of mother that I wanted to be to my children. I couldn't be the kind of wife I would have wanted to be, and I couldn't be the kind of friend that I wanted to be to my friends. In fact, I couldn't be the kind of person that I wanted to become.

Now, he has a sister that was a lot like him. My husband and I are now separated. I finally had the nerve to leave him. But I tried to maintain a relationship with my mother-in-law, who is the most wonderful woman in the world. I love her dearly. But my sister-in-law is a different story. She will "kill you with a smile". She always talked about how much she loved me, but she just hurt me deeply. She also is one of those people who uses emotional blackmail to gain the upper hand. We had a falling out but when I tried to apologize, she was having none of it. She just cut me out of her life. Some people just don't give you a second chance.

I've decided to give up on the outside world. I'm pretty much a hermit already because of a back problem that has put me on disability, so it's not that much of a stretch to completely become a hermit and forget about any human contact. I almost never see my children; they're busy with their own lives and don't have time for their old mom, so I think I'm going to concentrate on writing that book I talked about and writing some songs. Let the meanies live their lives and I'll go underground. In the meantime, I'll sort out why I can't stand up to the strong willed people of this world and learn to lean on God more. Then when I'm stronger, I'll resurface and maybe then, and only then, will I be able to face the world again.

Goodbye for now, cruel world!
LE

Having a Bad Day

You ever have one of those days when you know you should of stayed in bed. Well, that's the kind of day I'm having. I'd signed up for facebook, and had it for all of two days, and now I've gotten locked out of it, because of a stupid thing I did. I won't even get into what I did, because it is simply to ridiculous to get into. I'm glad they are watching out for us in regards to spammers, but this was something I did, and now I can't get into my page anymore. I knew I should have never bothered with the whole social networking thing in the first place, but my girls talked me into it, but now I just feel like a fool. In fact, I feel like a fool often. I can't fathom the things I do most days. Oh, Lord, save me from myself.

Reminder to Read My Bible!

Read my daughter's blog today and learned from her that I should read my bible more. That's not what she said but she had written in her blog about leaning about God. She's had struggles and is learning how hard it is to be an adult, but that God is always there for her. That was the reminder that I needed. I know that He is always there, but I forget to read my Bible. How can I forget that? I get so busy with other things; and I don't even know what that is. I don't work, but I have so much pain and it overtakes everything else. Why can't I turn it over to God? How can I just lie on my couch and feel sorry for myself? Which is so often what I end up doing. I've talked about writing a book for so long and my daughter told me that I should do that. Well, that I will do. It's amazing how we can learn from our children. And even when they were younger, I'd be shocked sometimes at the things that they would teach me. Patience, for one thing. I was not a patient woman, but I had to learn how to be patient. I didn't always master it, but over time I got better at it. In retrospect, I now have to admit that I still failed miserably, but I still tried to do the best that I could with what I had to work with. And my youngest daughter and I didn't always get along, but we are now getting close, and it warms my heart. That is all I ever wanted, for us to become close. Thank you, Lord, for my children. I now have all 3 of them in my life, and that is the greatest gift of all. I never dreamed that all of them would be a part of my life, but they are. I truly am the luckiest woman in the world, and still I forget to read my Bible. How can I be so blind. So today I have to thank my daughter for opening my eyes to what is right in front of me; I was missing it. I have amazing children. The Lord blessed me with the greatest children in the world! That is my nugget for today.

There Was An Old Woman

There was an old woman
who couldn't find her shoes.
 She thought she had put them
 behind her old clues.
 But try as she might
 and try as she would
 the clues had left her
 as to where her shoes stood.

 This old woman really did get a clue
 when she found her mood was so blue.
 With the shoes and the clues
 it sure brought out the blues
 and it put her in a funk
 that she didn't know how to renew.

Mother/Daughter Time

I spent the most amazing evening with my daughter on Friday night. The reason it was so amazing is because we haven't always been close, but now that she's all grown up that has changed. I love the way we're connecting and that she feels like she can talk to me. I don't have to give advice; in fact, that's not what she needs. She's a big girl and can solve her own problems, in most cases. Really all she needs is for me to listen, or be a sounding board, and just be there when she needs a shoulder. And, really, what else can we do as moms of our grown children. We can't fix there boo-boos anymore, we can't solve their problems, we can only be there to listen when they need someone to talk to. And I think on this particular night I felt closer to her than I ever have. There were times when I wondered if she and I would ever be close, but now I know that she's come back to me. And I'm sure there's a song in there somewhere. She's grown up into this amazing person. I am so proud of her. The way she carries herself and deals with people is incredible. Her faith in God is strong and getting stronger every day, due to the people that have come into her life lately. She has awesome friends and that can only be attributed to her character. Thank you, Lord, for giving her to me and allowing me to be her Mom. Thank you, Manda, for a wonderful evening.

Another Day of Pain

Nothing ever comes easy for me. I live in constant pain and so depend on pain medication to get me through most of the time. Even learning this stinking computer doesn't come easy for me. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard. I mean kids are learning it from kindergarten on up, why can't I. I used to be a typesetter, and I think that's my problem. I am still thinking old school. The language has changed so much, and I'm having a real hard time with it; it's the little things that trip me up. Oh, well I must persevere, and this too will come to me. Writing is the one thing that I can still do, and whether it's songs or musings from my mind, it seems to be the only thing that's left for me. I'm getting old and sometimes I feel like I have nothing left. All my skills are gone; my kids are grown up with lives of their own, and I rattle around in my house all by myself, with nothing to occupy my time but my thoughts. That's not good; it gets old. So here I sit with my aching back and my past to fill my thoughts. It's time to write that book that I was talking about. But who would read it; well, you never know. Maybe there's someone out there that could benefit from my experiences. I've gone through some incredible times, some good and some bad. Maybe it's time to put them out there.

Day One - Piano Mama On The Move

I'm a pianist and a songwriter, but I'm also a writer. At least I've been told I have a talent for it. However, I've been suffering from writer's block, and I needed a venue where I could try to put my words to good use. A blog sounded like a good idea. A way to get my ideas out of my head, and possibly get rid of this writer's block that I'm dealing with. A few years ago I went back to school to get my high school diploma, and I wrote a story about a very personal experience during my teenage years. I received an A for the essay, and was asked if the story could be used for other students in future classes. I was incredibly honored. Since then I have wanted to continue my writing but for some reason have been finding it difficult to find the words to draft any further stories. Even the story I wrote for that class needs a continuing chapter, but for some reason I've been at a loss for the right words. So when my daughter gave me the idea for this blog, I thought it was a good place to start. I hope it will be all that I'm wishing for. Today is a good day to start.