Killed with a smile!

Have you ever known someone who is always so friendly and constantly talks of love and then "wham", out of nowhere, they slam you with hateful words and end the relationship. That has happened to me several times in my life, and it just happened again. You'd think I'd learn, but "No"! I grew up a preacher's daughter and so have been blessed with an unquestionable trusting nature; it gets me every time. It has left me emotionally scarred though. Even though I grew up in a Christian home, I was the victim of emotional abuse, by my brothers. I left home at an early age, and thought I got away from it. However, I was very naive, and was often victimized by stronger individuals. I was overpowered because I was so emotionally stunted. But I tried to grow up, and I succeeded, to a certain extent. I continued to mature, or so I thought, and I persevered. And for a time I did get stronger. Then I got married and my husband was a very strong willed person. At first we were happy; again, so I thought. But then things started to fall apart, mainly because I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him, and he started to abuse me emotionally. Oh, it was only in bits and pieces at first; not enough for any one to notice. Well, actually no one ever noticed. And if I tried to tell anyone, no one believed me because he was a totally different person to the outside world. He was the kindest, sweetest person you ever wanted to meet. He was helpful to everyone else, but me. He would give the shirt off his back to everyone else, but me. As a result, I was not able to be the kind of mother that I wanted to be to my children. I couldn't be the kind of wife I would have wanted to be, and I couldn't be the kind of friend that I wanted to be to my friends. In fact, I couldn't be the kind of person that I wanted to become.

Now, he has a sister that was a lot like him. My husband and I are now separated. I finally had the nerve to leave him. But I tried to maintain a relationship with my mother-in-law, who is the most wonderful woman in the world. I love her dearly. But my sister-in-law is a different story. She will "kill you with a smile". She always talked about how much she loved me, but she just hurt me deeply. She also is one of those people who uses emotional blackmail to gain the upper hand. We had a falling out but when I tried to apologize, she was having none of it. She just cut me out of her life. Some people just don't give you a second chance.

I've decided to give up on the outside world. I'm pretty much a hermit already because of a back problem that has put me on disability, so it's not that much of a stretch to completely become a hermit and forget about any human contact. I almost never see my children; they're busy with their own lives and don't have time for their old mom, so I think I'm going to concentrate on writing that book I talked about and writing some songs. Let the meanies live their lives and I'll go underground. In the meantime, I'll sort out why I can't stand up to the strong willed people of this world and learn to lean on God more. Then when I'm stronger, I'll resurface and maybe then, and only then, will I be able to face the world again.

Goodbye for now, cruel world!
LE